In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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