I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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