In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
