tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
