i jhust puked up my retainher.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
