before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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