so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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