I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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