TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
