Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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