I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
