My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
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Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
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Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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