I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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