note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
