Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
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I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
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i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize