her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
