explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
