the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
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The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
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im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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