did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
