can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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