Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
