If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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