Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
