I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
