Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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