your thong is hanging out like whoa
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I touched a dick in church today
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