she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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