I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dignity is for republicans.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
