so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
