hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
