it's too hot outside to masturbate.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
