I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
