that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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