i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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