She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Found your dick twin last night
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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