I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
