remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My life is pants optional.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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