My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
