that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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