I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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