I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
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