I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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