Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
