I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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