stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
