Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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