I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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