Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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