You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
