I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
