i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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