He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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