Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
