making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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