forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
